A tale of her.

This is a museum of the woman I used to be. A tale of her.

Some days, I really feel like I want to stop using this place to speak, because I speak, I am constantly vocal, but I don’t need to do it here.

Remember a few years ago, when this place used to say “I do speak a lot” by means of pictures or plain words written all over? I still do. I speak a lot, but my voice is different. I am different.

I think it’s been 4 years since Ringo-ish started dying and I’ve been every day more and more comfortable with the idea of letting it go. Maybe you all, (whomever is reading this) saw it coming before I did, but it’s not as if I was unaware of it. I am just not the same anymore.

I started this blog as a collection of memories I needed to keep from the limitations of my mere humanity.

“Age just reveals the facts that always were. Experience uncovers the you that always was.”

I think that’s a quote from Welcome to Nightvale, and a quite proper one for that matter. i’ve always been this.

A couple of months ago I was writing on my journal about an epiphany I’ve had. The last 6 years have been hard and great. I’ve been through hell only to understand the person I am, to accept the feelings and complexities I have towards myself, and I am now able to look back and feel fine about it all.

I feel like a better human, in a deeply rooted sense of self, and through that, I also feel like a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better *role of action*. Any action.

I am in love, deeply and intensely in love, and I am happy about a lot of things in my life, as well as unhappy about a myriad of nuisances.

And I feel this place as foreign and old.

I want to continue writing, and I constantly think of things to say and ideas to share, but I might not do it here anymore. If I am correct, I own ThePonicorn.com and I might continue doing it there, and I am not even sure of when that’s going to happen, but I am ok.

This place, will remain the museum and the testament that it is. It won’t go anywhere, if you ever feel curious.

But I will. I’ll go somewhere.

I started this place about 9 years ago thinking “keep it always positive” and  I think for the most I’ve done that, I’ve talked about my depression in the past years with and upbeat attitude, I’ve talked about me being sad, knowing well that, within time, I’ll be better.

And i’ve been better.

I’ve been better for a while.

Cycles

cycle definition

I used to say that if this moment in my life had a name, it would be “Cycle”. Everything was constant. Everything moved in a pattern, everything happened with the same purpose everyday. And yes, it was all divided in cycles. A Cycle for the day. A Cycle at Work. A Cycle for my week. A cycle every month. And I was actually ok with it.

Cycles are fine. Cycles are comfortable.

Everything was predictable to a certain degree. And I like predictable.

I was fine. It was a cycle and after all, all cycles create the illusion of stability.

Lately, things are not as cyclic as they had been for a while. I notice change, and it’s throwing me off-balance. Things are starting to take shape in a way that defies the status quo that’s been ruling my life for the past 3 or so years.

I know that around december I’m supposed to make life changing decision, and I’m thinking I’m ready to make it. And it seems as if things are arranging to force me into it. But I guess it’s fine. I guess it’s finally time to exit the cycle and my life is preparing me for it.

We’ll see what the next name will be.

Firma

Wayback Machine!

Today, for reasons that are pretty much irrelevant, I decided to use Wayback Machine to check how [RINGO-ISH.org] used to look a while back and I’m going to share it with you guys.

1- The very first one! As you can see there isn’t much to show, mainly because the pictures didn’t survive, but back in the time I was crazy over koi fish, so it featured multicolored ink dissolving into water, as well as koi fish. It was pretty. Back in the day I was using CuteNews to post, and it didn’t take long before I decided to make the move to WordPress

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2- This isn’t even the first look I had on WordPress, but it was using the same theme. The first one had a picture I found on DeviantART back when I was still remotely active on that site.

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3- To this day, I still use that drawing to represent myself, and it’s been well over 6 years! This was my last look before moving into my server, not that it changed much when it did. And guess what? I do speak a lot!

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4- To be honest guys, I didn’t even remembered this existed. however, I do remember creating the header and the tag line, which still survives “Ponicorn words on a nifty existence!” It didn’t last for a very long time.

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5- This is the last one I had. I used this puppy for about 4 years, until I decided to change it for the current one *Which to be honest, it’s still on probation* I fell in love with that theme instantly based on the color scheme, and I am yet to find something else I can love more. Maybe there’s something on the way.

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6- Last but not least, the current one. I am still ambivalent about this, I may change it, but I’m fine with it on the mean time.

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While checking these, I started reading old entries, but really old, I’m not talking about 3-4 years ago, I’m talking about 7-8 years ago, back when I started, I don’t know, I’m just nostalgic.

Last night I had a huge fight with my mom, it wasn’t really a fight as much as it was an argument about life choices and all. She’s right about a lot, and I’m stubborn. I don’t really want to talk about it, it just made me think about stuff I didn’t want to acknowledge. I don’t know why I’m sharing this in particular, I’ve just had a lot of people and events in my mind.

About a couple of hours ago, Macky mentioned on twitter something about reading old posts. Are we all going through the same?

*Unexcited yey for memory lane*

Firma

Definitions

“Someday there will be self-driving trucks, and no one will need to be in this cab at all. This won’t be anyone’s job. It won’t be a job. All of us will have to figure out how to define ourselves when we’re not defining ourselves by how we survive.”

That last part, has been in my head. All over my head, trying to catch some sense.

How do you define yourself when you don’t define yourself by the things you do to survive? I’ve been meaning to answer, but I can’t, not yet.

I’ve done so much and at the same time, I’ve dropped so much. I’m kind of lost, and I don’t feel so good. I don’t even know if this is a matter of perspective anymore.

Last night I took a nap that turned into an 8 hour sleep, I woke up at 3, feeling quite alone if I have to be honest, and feeling alone is not necessarily the best for someone who just wants to hide from her emotions…

I don’t know how I get into these feelings, or what these feelings are anyway…

How do you define yourself when you don’t do it by the things you do to survive? I’ve been a teacher, a director, a programmer… and I don’t know…

I’ve been a pony, a Ponicorn… The Ponicorn Princess… And Kourai… and I still don’t know yet…

I need to think more… or maybe I just need a change, and even though many changes are on their way, I need to take advantage of the time I have while things unfold and think, come up with something, set some ground rules for myself or something…

While looking for a picture to use on this post I found this blog post and I think it relates a lot to what I’m saying.

Also the quote I wrote at the top comes from Alice Isn’t Dead.

How do you define yourselves, guys?

Firma

Underwater

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately. You know that kind of exhaustion, right? The one you get after big events take place, where it doesn’t really matter if there wasn’t really any physical effort involved, you still feel like drowning.

I don’t even swim, guys…

But once when I was 4 on a trip I was about to drown.

Anyway… A lot of things are happening, mostly work related but they leave me feeling a little too emotional. It doesn’t matter. All I know it’s that it’s too early in the morning and I feel half dead, half alive…

There are things. It’s not all about work, some things are family, but I don’t even feel like discussing that, I feel like ignoring and obliterating that.

All I know is that I feel like I am underwater and since I hadn’t really posted anything here in a while, I took a moment to find the best pictures to represent my feelings, but it’s like when you watch a perfume commercial, and even though it’s eye-catching and it’s meant to give you a vague hint of how it should smell, you never get to actually smell it… and you can’t really get a hold of my feelings.

underwater

I’m going to try to post more, cause every time I come, I sound creepy and disturbing and really sad….

And I promise you guys… I’m not always like this.

Love,

Firma

She’s going to change the world…

Let Desire Be Your Destiny

When I was a teen, I was obsessed with Great Expectations. It was my favorite movie for about 5 years, and to this day I still think it’s amazing, and  even though it’s not very faithful to the book, it remains one of my favorite adaptations. Why? Aesthetics.

You know that thing going around about being a true 90’s kid? Well… I am a true 90’s kid; which (yes) I guess you could say it means I am kind of a sad adult.

The 90’s were trashy and glorious. Less trashy than the 80’s, yet still pretty trashy in a whole different way. I was born in the 80’s, and I spent the first 5 years of my life being an unaware lump of existence, and it was during the 90’s when I actually became aware of myself as a being, and started to form myself as a human. The 90’s were mine, and they made me who I am, along with Milan Kundera.

Every single decade I’ve lived through I’ve adored. The 2000’s were amazing in many ways and my current decade is going as well as the rest, but there’s something about that 90’s nostalgia I’ll never be able to shake off, and it’s undoubtably tied to Great Expectations.

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It was something on the way Finn and Stella danced to Besame Mucho, or the length of Stella’s dress.  Or just the general feeling of “Green” surrounding everything that appealed so much to my aesthetic ideals and remained lingering in my soul for years.

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Perhaps it was on the way Stella dressed, which I may add, To this day I feel like this blouse paired with black pants would look a thousand times better, however, not 90’s enough. Or maybe just the general ambiance created by the amazing soundtrack, that shaped my appreciation of music and turned inspiration into aspiration. And that deeply rooted desire of being swept off my feet, being loved, ingrained cherished dearly in someone’s heart, mind and soul.

There was something about 90’s movies that gave me unrealistic expectations about love and romance. Not even the romantic comedies, but anything with a hint of 90’s disdain to make me swoon over it with expectant adoration.

This morning I was listening to Chris Cornell’s Can’t change me and I suddenly remembered this movie, I immediately felt a sharp desire to watch it all over again. Watch it if you can. Get it if you have the change. And on the mean time, enjoy the soundtrack, to this day, I listen to it and I feel passionately touched.

Firma

Big words on the walls

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A long time ago, there were these blogs named spaces by Microsoft, I loved them with a passion, but for some reason they ended up closing, and offered to move your content to WordPress. I did. And I just bumped into this jewels of an old-time me.

Oh, boy, I was a little idiot back then. I’m going to reproduce things I find there, for amusement and to remember.

First, an introduction of myself

My name is Tomie Kourai (It still is), That is a name I’ve chosen for myself. I am about to turn 25 (almost 5 years ago), and just figuring out what I want to do with my life (still am, I guess). I am a single child from a divorced mom, I have a boyfriend I deeply love (Pff… the boyfriend is done and dusted), I enjoy the whole learning process, and sometimes life is a burden. I’ve been involved in self-destructive behaviors for about 13 years (Bad habits are hard to die), I sometimes recover, and sometimes relapse (Still do). I have problems coping with reality. I don’t eat fruits, My best creative work comes out to life at night and I was once on a hospital for depressive anorexia. I tend to mock my own life. I like to write on both Ingles & Spanish (OMG, what a pretentious little idiot I was to write it like this). I love myself, but I have some huge insecurities I am working on. I am usually a very happy person despite what this brief introduction may lead you to think.

I wrote a lot, I wrote extensively about my time struggling with suicide and depression (sorry if you didn’t know, now you know) and many other things that went through my head. Right now that I have a little more time, I think I am going to cross post some things that are half decent.

It was fun finding this. There’s so so much I had forgotten.

Firma

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