A tale of her.

This is a museum of the woman I used to be. A tale of her.

Some days, I really feel like I want to stop using this place to speak, because I speak, I am constantly vocal, but I don’t need to do it here.

Remember a few years ago, when this place used to say “I do speak a lot” by means of pictures or plain words written all over? I still do. I speak a lot, but my voice is different. I am different.

I think it’s been 4 years since Ringo-ish started dying and I’ve been every day more and more comfortable with the idea of letting it go. Maybe you all, (whomever is reading this) saw it coming before I did, but it’s not as if I was unaware of it. I am just not the same anymore.

I started this blog as a collection of memories I needed to keep from the limitations of my mere humanity.

“Age just reveals the facts that always were. Experience uncovers the you that always was.”

I think that’s a quote from Welcome to Nightvale, and a quite proper one for that matter. i’ve always been this.

A couple of months ago I was writing on my journal about an epiphany I’ve had. The last 6 years have been hard and great. I’ve been through hell only to understand the person I am, to accept the feelings and complexities I have towards myself, and I am now able to look back and feel fine about it all.

I feel like a better human, in a deeply rooted sense of self, and through that, I also feel like a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better *role of action*. Any action.

I am in love, deeply and intensely in love, and I am happy about a lot of things in my life, as well as unhappy about a myriad of nuisances.

And I feel this place as foreign and old.

I want to continue writing, and I constantly think of things to say and ideas to share, but I might not do it here anymore. If I am correct, I own ThePonicorn.com and I might continue doing it there, and I am not even sure of when that’s going to happen, but I am ok.

This place, will remain the museum and the testament that it is. It won’t go anywhere, if you ever feel curious.

But I will. I’ll go somewhere.

I started this place about 9 years ago thinking “keep it always positive” and  I think for the most I’ve done that, I’ve talked about my depression in the past years with and upbeat attitude, I’ve talked about me being sad, knowing well that, within time, I’ll be better.

And i’ve been better.

I’ve been better for a while.

Weeks

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves

I’ve been having a couple of bad days. Today I was really bummed down, having really negative thoughs and feeling generally defeated, but my bestfriend took me out, and we talked about things that are worrying me, and I feel much better, and then I watched a video on youtube and I felt better even though it didn’t have much to do with anything

I feel better

The New face of AminoKou

aminokou

So, my portfolio just got a revamp, and it’s looking prettier than ever. I had the last design for about 4 years and even though I loved it (Hey, my favorite color is Grey, of course I loved it!) it was time for a change, actually It had been time for a change for a while, but lets not get into that.

Anyway, the thing is that I finally got a little time to get my portfolio looking the way I wanted, and now it’s here.

Before you say anything, yes, I like my portfolio looking all in black and white, for the longest time my colors were purple, white and black, until I learnt to accept the fact that it’s just not me. I’m pretty set on my monochromes, Black, white and grey are my babies when it comes to personal projects, and actually even now I struggle a lot not to have Ringo-Ish fully on grey, cause this is my colorful space (yes, I said colorful).

screencapture-aminokou-1472923944017Well,  here you have it guys, go check it out, go hire me if you want. It’s in Spanish, so be warned. I don’t really feel like having it in English right now, I may do so in the near future though.

Click on any of the images to go.

Speaking of websites, I’ve been working on another personal one for a project I want to start soon. I don’t want to say much about it, cause it’s still a bit in the air, but you’ll see within the next month.

So, yey for websites? Bye!

Firma

Cycles

cycle definition

I used to say that if this moment in my life had a name, it would be “Cycle”. Everything was constant. Everything moved in a pattern, everything happened with the same purpose everyday. And yes, it was all divided in cycles. A Cycle for the day. A Cycle at Work. A Cycle for my week. A cycle every month. And I was actually ok with it.

Cycles are fine. Cycles are comfortable.

Everything was predictable to a certain degree. And I like predictable.

I was fine. It was a cycle and after all, all cycles create the illusion of stability.

Lately, things are not as cyclic as they had been for a while. I notice change, and it’s throwing me off-balance. Things are starting to take shape in a way that defies the status quo that’s been ruling my life for the past 3 or so years.

I know that around december I’m supposed to make life changing decision, and I’m thinking I’m ready to make it. And it seems as if things are arranging to force me into it. But I guess it’s fine. I guess it’s finally time to exit the cycle and my life is preparing me for it.

We’ll see what the next name will be.

Firma

Wayback Machine!

Today, for reasons that are pretty much irrelevant, I decided to use Wayback Machine to check how [RINGO-ISH.org] used to look a while back and I’m going to share it with you guys.

1- The very first one! As you can see there isn’t much to show, mainly because the pictures didn’t survive, but back in the time I was crazy over koi fish, so it featured multicolored ink dissolving into water, as well as koi fish. It was pretty. Back in the day I was using CuteNews to post, and it didn’t take long before I decided to make the move to WordPress

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 9.10.43 p.m.

2- This isn’t even the first look I had on WordPress, but it was using the same theme. The first one had a picture I found on DeviantART back when I was still remotely active on that site.

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 6.40.51 p.m.

3- To this day, I still use that drawing to represent myself, and it’s been well over 6 years! This was my last look before moving into my server, not that it changed much when it did. And guess what? I do speak a lot!

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 6.41.02 p.m.

4- To be honest guys, I didn’t even remembered this existed. however, I do remember creating the header and the tag line, which still survives “Ponicorn words on a nifty existence!” It didn’t last for a very long time.

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 6.42.17 p.m.

5- This is the last one I had. I used this puppy for about 4 years, until I decided to change it for the current one *Which to be honest, it’s still on probation* I fell in love with that theme instantly based on the color scheme, and I am yet to find something else I can love more. Maybe there’s something on the way.

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 6.43.34 p.m.

 

6- Last but not least, the current one. I am still ambivalent about this, I may change it, but I’m fine with it on the mean time.

Captura de pantalla 2016-07-17 a las 9.47.03 p.m.

While checking these, I started reading old entries, but really old, I’m not talking about 3-4 years ago, I’m talking about 7-8 years ago, back when I started, I don’t know, I’m just nostalgic.

Last night I had a huge fight with my mom, it wasn’t really a fight as much as it was an argument about life choices and all. She’s right about a lot, and I’m stubborn. I don’t really want to talk about it, it just made me think about stuff I didn’t want to acknowledge. I don’t know why I’m sharing this in particular, I’ve just had a lot of people and events in my mind.

About a couple of hours ago, Macky mentioned on twitter something about reading old posts. Are we all going through the same?

*Unexcited yey for memory lane*

Firma

Definitions

“Someday there will be self-driving trucks, and no one will need to be in this cab at all. This won’t be anyone’s job. It won’t be a job. All of us will have to figure out how to define ourselves when we’re not defining ourselves by how we survive.”

That last part, has been in my head. All over my head, trying to catch some sense.

How do you define yourself when you don’t define yourself by the things you do to survive? I’ve been meaning to answer, but I can’t, not yet.

I’ve done so much and at the same time, I’ve dropped so much. I’m kind of lost, and I don’t feel so good. I don’t even know if this is a matter of perspective anymore.

Last night I took a nap that turned into an 8 hour sleep, I woke up at 3, feeling quite alone if I have to be honest, and feeling alone is not necessarily the best for someone who just wants to hide from her emotions…

I don’t know how I get into these feelings, or what these feelings are anyway…

How do you define yourself when you don’t do it by the things you do to survive? I’ve been a teacher, a director, a programmer… and I don’t know…

I’ve been a pony, a Ponicorn… The Ponicorn Princess… And Kourai… and I still don’t know yet…

I need to think more… or maybe I just need a change, and even though many changes are on their way, I need to take advantage of the time I have while things unfold and think, come up with something, set some ground rules for myself or something…

While looking for a picture to use on this post I found this blog post and I think it relates a lot to what I’m saying.

Also the quote I wrote at the top comes from Alice Isn’t Dead.

How do you define yourselves, guys?

Firma

Underwater

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately. You know that kind of exhaustion, right? The one you get after big events take place, where it doesn’t really matter if there wasn’t really any physical effort involved, you still feel like drowning.

I don’t even swim, guys…

But once when I was 4 on a trip I was about to drown.

Anyway… A lot of things are happening, mostly work related but they leave me feeling a little too emotional. It doesn’t matter. All I know it’s that it’s too early in the morning and I feel half dead, half alive…

There are things. It’s not all about work, some things are family, but I don’t even feel like discussing that, I feel like ignoring and obliterating that.

All I know is that I feel like I am underwater and since I hadn’t really posted anything here in a while, I took a moment to find the best pictures to represent my feelings, but it’s like when you watch a perfume commercial, and even though it’s eye-catching and it’s meant to give you a vague hint of how it should smell, you never get to actually smell it… and you can’t really get a hold of my feelings.

underwater

I’m going to try to post more, cause every time I come, I sound creepy and disturbing and really sad….

And I promise you guys… I’m not always like this.

Love,

Firma

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