A tale of her.

This is a museum of the woman I used to be. A tale of her.

Some days, I really feel like I want to stop using this place to speak, because I speak, I am constantly vocal, but I don’t need to do it here.

Remember a few years ago, when this place used to say “I do speak a lot” by means of pictures or plain words written all over? I still do. I speak a lot, but my voice is different. I am different.

I think it’s been 4 years since Ringo-ish started dying and I’ve been every day more and more comfortable with the idea of letting it go. Maybe you all, (whomever is reading this) saw it coming before I did, but it’s not as if I was unaware of it. I am just not the same anymore.

I started this blog as a collection of memories I needed to keep from the limitations of my mere humanity.

“Age just reveals the facts that always were. Experience uncovers the you that always was.”

I think that’s a quote from Welcome to Nightvale, and a quite proper one for that matter. i’ve always been this.

A couple of months ago I was writing on my journal about an epiphany I’ve had. The last 6 years have been hard and great. I’ve been through hell only to understand the person I am, to accept the feelings and complexities I have towards myself, and I am now able to look back and feel fine about it all.

I feel like a better human, in a deeply rooted sense of self, and through that, I also feel like a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better *role of action*. Any action.

I am in love, deeply and intensely in love, and I am happy about a lot of things in my life, as well as unhappy about a myriad of nuisances.

And I feel this place as foreign and old.

I want to continue writing, and I constantly think of things to say and ideas to share, but I might not do it here anymore. If I am correct, I own ThePonicorn.com and I might continue doing it there, and I am not even sure of when that’s going to happen, but I am ok.

This place, will remain the museum and the testament that it is. It won’t go anywhere, if you ever feel curious.

But I will. I’ll go somewhere.

I started this place about 9 years ago thinking “keep it always positive” and  I think for the most I’ve done that, I’ve talked about my depression in the past years with and upbeat attitude, I’ve talked about me being sad, knowing well that, within time, I’ll be better.

And i’ve been better.

I’ve been better for a while.

The girl and 15 Books (Part 2)

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A couple of days ago I shared with you 5 of my 15 most favorite books, which included wonderful gems such as Of Scars and Star Dust by Andrea Hannah and Before you sleep by the ever wonderful Linn Ullmann.

Tell me, my sweethearts, have you had the chance to read any of my previous suggestions?

This is Part two of my fabulous list.

The Ponicorn’s 15 favorite books

(books that changed, defined and facinated me)

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  1. Virgin Suicides -Jeffrey Eugenides
    virgin-suicidesI was fascinated by the story ever since I first watch the movie in the early 2000’s. I was even obsessed with Air – Playground love for a while. The book is mesmerizing and I think movie perfectly portrays all the emotions conveyed by the story. I felt it, I felt the times, I felt the sadness, I fell in love with the Lisbon girls as much as the neighborhood guys did, and I felt the sadness and long-lasting memory of their death (Spoiler alert? I don’t know, the title itself talks about suicide, it’s barely a surprise). Real Story? When I was a teen I was surrounded by suicide. I had several friend who attempted it, a distant relative committed it, even I flirted with it; so the story hit close to home.
  2. Delirio – Laura Restrepodelirio
    If you hadn’t notice yet, a lot of my favorite books have characters dealing with mental illness. Either depression, or something else. This is a story dealing with “Something Else”. You never really fully understand what happens to Agustina, or at least it’s never explicitly stated, but this is a sort of more modern tale of magical-realism, developing during Pablo Escobar’s Colombia. It tells the story of Aguilar, an older man  married to Agustina, a very emotionally and mentally troubled woman, the way they live and chose to face her struggle. I enjoy the way all the characters are portrayed, how honest they are on their perspective of their particular circumstances, how helpless they seem when faced with situations they can’t control, how overwhelming those are.
  3. The painter of the modern life and other essays – Charles Baudalaire
    9780306802799-uk-300I read this as an assignment when I was studying in college about 7 years ago, and I fell in love with it. Of course, the intrinsically poetic style used by Baudelaire is entirely responsible for it. This essay deals with the general notion of dandism, in a way that is humane, unapologetic, sensualist and provocatively astute. I’ve always said that I don’t really enjoy being forced to read, so whenever I’ve been in that place, I tend to skip it, or If i can’t, at least just skim through it (I’m not an example to follow), however, this might be the only one I’ve actually taken the time to read and actually enjoyed. If I had to translate the whole documentative experience that this essay entails to a more modern narrative, I think it would keep its fresh approach, while at the same time fitting perfectly as a description of the millennial generation. Time is cyclic, my friends.
  4. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austenpride_and_prejudice_book_cover_by_fourblackbirds-d533108
    I’ve always been into Pride and Prejudice in its many different representations, whether it’s YouTube series, movie, book or even as an influence for other stories (Hello Bridget Jones), and I think I’ve talked about it extensively in the past. This is a beautiful story, told in a simple and clean way, you can completely see the time’s idea of romance, what a woman’s life was like, and you can even perceive a proto-feminism in Elizabeth (though the time is not right for it to be called proto-feminism, but still, I think it was too avant-garde for the time), and I even think, Elizabeth mirrored Jane Austen’s own ideas of what a virtuous woman should be to, first get self-respect, and then, social status, not because of her social position or wealth, but because of her intelligence and bravery.
  5. Memnoch, the devil – Anne Rice
    memnochthedevilWhen I was barely starting into the whole blog thing, there was this huge wave of girls who found (as I did) the idea of keeping an online journal very appealing, around that time, for a reason i’ve never quite understood, one of the books that was really in style to read, was Interview with the Vampire. I read it (of course) even though I casually read it about 1 month before getting into the whole blogging thing, and not only that, I actually continued reading the whole saga (I think I might have missed a couple of the most recent ones). Anyway, my favorite one of the whole collection was Memnoch, the Devil; the story deals with Lestat, Vampire Chronicles’ golden prince, and its encounter with the devil (THE actual devil), and how through a kind of biblical reinterpretation. Biblical Fanfiction If you prefer to call it like that, the story ends with a big public unveiling of the powers that be, that kind of threw me off, but

The choice for Part 2 is a little less Young Adult, and a little more varied; though, as I’ve said in the past post, don’t be fooled just because something is marketed as YA, there are good stories to be told there.

Speaking of telling stories, NaNoWriMo is currently running (It’s november guys!) Are you taking part of it? I might be a little behind and I’m actually not thinking about winning, but I’m writing a very weird story. I might share a bit in the future, if I feel it moves in the right direction.

Love,

Firma

Cycles

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I used to say that if this moment in my life had a name, it would be “Cycle”. Everything was constant. Everything moved in a pattern, everything happened with the same purpose everyday. And yes, it was all divided in cycles. A Cycle for the day. A Cycle at Work. A Cycle for my week. A cycle every month. And I was actually ok with it.

Cycles are fine. Cycles are comfortable.

Everything was predictable to a certain degree. And I like predictable.

I was fine. It was a cycle and after all, all cycles create the illusion of stability.

Lately, things are not as cyclic as they had been for a while. I notice change, and it’s throwing me off-balance. Things are starting to take shape in a way that defies the status quo that’s been ruling my life for the past 3 or so years.

I know that around december I’m supposed to make life changing decision, and I’m thinking I’m ready to make it. And it seems as if things are arranging to force me into it. But I guess it’s fine. I guess it’s finally time to exit the cycle and my life is preparing me for it.

We’ll see what the next name will be.

Firma

Underwater

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately. You know that kind of exhaustion, right? The one you get after big events take place, where it doesn’t really matter if there wasn’t really any physical effort involved, you still feel like drowning.

I don’t even swim, guys…

But once when I was 4 on a trip I was about to drown.

Anyway… A lot of things are happening, mostly work related but they leave me feeling a little too emotional. It doesn’t matter. All I know it’s that it’s too early in the morning and I feel half dead, half alive…

There are things. It’s not all about work, some things are family, but I don’t even feel like discussing that, I feel like ignoring and obliterating that.

All I know is that I feel like I am underwater and since I hadn’t really posted anything here in a while, I took a moment to find the best pictures to represent my feelings, but it’s like when you watch a perfume commercial, and even though it’s eye-catching and it’s meant to give you a vague hint of how it should smell, you never get to actually smell it… and you can’t really get a hold of my feelings.

underwater

I’m going to try to post more, cause every time I come, I sound creepy and disturbing and really sad….

And I promise you guys… I’m not always like this.

Love,

Firma

Alice on the road…

Let me tell you a stupid little thing you shouldn’t do:

Listen to “Alice Isn’t Dead” while you’re driving.

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Alice Isn’t Dead is a podcast created by the team behind Welcome to Night Vale (I’m obsessed guys), narrated by Jasika Nicole and featuring music (and also produced) by Disparition.

It tells the story of a nameless lady who is driving a shipping truck all around the US, trying to unveil or at least understand the disappearance of her wife Alice. It’s quite intense if you’re into the whole existential horror deal, you’re going to listen to Jasika’s character coping with the pain of losing the person she loved the most, while encountering horrific murderous demi-humans , or just plain unexplainable occurrences that leave behind a philosophical or even moral turmoil.

Ever since I heard Joseph Fink was working on a new podcast, and more than anything I heard it would star Night Vale’s own Mayor Dana Cardinal in a new role, I got immediately excited. So far there are about 5 episodes out and the story is already on a cliffhanger.

Allow me to correct myself, the story on itself is a cliffhanger, and a very promising one if I do say so myself.

I love Alice Isn’t Dead, and I have a thing for listening to podcasts while I’m on the highway driving.

Well guys, let me spoil a thing for you: Alice Isn’t Dead happens on the roadway, it’s even stated on the teaser, This is not a story it’s a road trip, which same difference, in a good one the start is exciting and the finish is satisfying and we end up somewhere else, somewhere a long way from where we started, which means you will eventually listen to highway sounds and you might think, (Like I did) they are actually happening around you…

It happened to me today and I was so into the story I got really scared.

So, guys… listen to this. It’s actually pretty good and barely starting so you get the chance to live through the story as it develops.

Firma

She’s going to change the world…

Let Desire Be Your Destiny

When I was a teen, I was obsessed with Great Expectations. It was my favorite movie for about 5 years, and to this day I still think it’s amazing, and  even though it’s not very faithful to the book, it remains one of my favorite adaptations. Why? Aesthetics.

You know that thing going around about being a true 90’s kid? Well… I am a true 90’s kid; which (yes) I guess you could say it means I am kind of a sad adult.

The 90’s were trashy and glorious. Less trashy than the 80’s, yet still pretty trashy in a whole different way. I was born in the 80’s, and I spent the first 5 years of my life being an unaware lump of existence, and it was during the 90’s when I actually became aware of myself as a being, and started to form myself as a human. The 90’s were mine, and they made me who I am, along with Milan Kundera.

Every single decade I’ve lived through I’ve adored. The 2000’s were amazing in many ways and my current decade is going as well as the rest, but there’s something about that 90’s nostalgia I’ll never be able to shake off, and it’s undoubtably tied to Great Expectations.

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It was something on the way Finn and Stella danced to Besame Mucho, or the length of Stella’s dress.  Or just the general feeling of “Green” surrounding everything that appealed so much to my aesthetic ideals and remained lingering in my soul for years.

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Perhaps it was on the way Stella dressed, which I may add, To this day I feel like this blouse paired with black pants would look a thousand times better, however, not 90’s enough. Or maybe just the general ambiance created by the amazing soundtrack, that shaped my appreciation of music and turned inspiration into aspiration. And that deeply rooted desire of being swept off my feet, being loved, ingrained cherished dearly in someone’s heart, mind and soul.

There was something about 90’s movies that gave me unrealistic expectations about love and romance. Not even the romantic comedies, but anything with a hint of 90’s disdain to make me swoon over it with expectant adoration.

This morning I was listening to Chris Cornell’s Can’t change me and I suddenly remembered this movie, I immediately felt a sharp desire to watch it all over again. Watch it if you can. Get it if you have the change. And on the mean time, enjoy the soundtrack, to this day, I listen to it and I feel passionately touched.

Firma

Ideas for saving money!

piggybank

I am not really a frugal person. I love going shopping, and getting clothes, and stationery, and cute things that I actually don’t need, and having dinners with The Pony every saturday and buying stuff for people I love.

Because of all of these situations, I’ve come to find that it’s really difficult for me to save. I really try, but I’ve noticed that if I have the money laying around, I just use it.

Well, last year, I started implementing different different things to help me save money and have money available at all times. I’m going to explain them to you.

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1 – I got a souvenir water bottle from the office and every time I got a $10 coin, I would get it in there. In about 6 months I filled it and got the equivalent of $400 Dlls. and I swear, my ponies, I didn’t even feel it. I didn’t really have any use for the money so I put it in the bank and it’s now gaining interests. Last year I did it twice, I used the first one to complete the payment for my computer, and for the second one, my mom joined me, and loved it as well. This year we’re planning a trip to NY in about 2 months, and I’m really trying to get it done by the time we get there, so I can use the money for all my expenses.

10peso coins

2 – You see that Purple tin can next to my Water bottle? Well, that’s my shopping can. Every weekend, I take all of my spare cash I have in my purse, and I save it there. Eventually, when I want to go shopping, I take the money I’ve saved there and use it to pay for my things. I might have to add a little extra, but the biggest part is covered by the money I already have there.

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3 –  Piggy Bank! I don’t really have a piggy bank, but I superglued the lid on this cookie tin can, opened the top with a knife, and i’ve been saving a bit in it. I don’t really have a date for this, I’m just using it as a random piggy bank, and we’ll see what I’ll do with the outcome.

4 – 52 weeks saving challenge! I think this is the best know saving challenge there’s around. Here’s the idea: The year has 52 weeks, you put in a jar the amount of dollars corresponding to the week you’re in (week 1, $1; week 2, $2; week 17, $17; and so on) at the end of the year you have $1378 dlls. I am doing it with Mexican pesos, so it amounts to $13780 pesos. We’ll see what we can do with that. Also, you can do it in many different ways, You can start with the highest ($52 dlls – or $520 pesos-) or do it bingo style, make a chart, and pick the number you’re willing to give each week until you work your way through it.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you guys, I’m doing all of these, and it’s been really easy to save up money and control a little bit my expenses.

Speaking of expenses, I’m going to write a post about the way I take care of my expenses, and how I budget and stuff.

Love,

Firma

 

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