Habits

I spent my days locked in a haze trying to forget you babe…

I know…

One of the things I promised myself I would try to avoid here was complaining and taking pity on myself… I can be a very negative person, and I struggle every single day with this. I never intended to bring that here, and to this day, I still try not to do it. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can’t.

I constantly let music speak for me. I get obsessed with songs, some depict my feelings, some just depict a thoughts, and at times it gets really hard to figure it out.

I try not to over analyze.

Tove-lo-habits

Last year around this I was very depressed. I was feeling sad and empty. I was drifting away. And even though I am way better  right now, I still have issues to work through… We’ll see..

Firma

Certainties…

A long time ago, while talking about The Dark Knight, somebody told me that the reason he found Heath Ledger’s Joker to be such a great and unsettling character was mainly because the character on itself messes with one’s idea of certainty with the way he states about 3 different stories  to explain his scars.

We’re used to characters being truly honest or truly deceitful, or at least have “no return” points where they truly become one or the other. We’re used to seeing black and white, but grey is unsettling.

The Joker is a good metaphor for the current state of my life. It’s not that I am afraid of the things I am going through, or that I am refusing to go through there, honestly been there, done that; but it’s just that the circumstances are different, and somehow, all of my certainties are messed. The things I once thought to be real, and true, and forever, have proven that are not. Nothing is set. Nothing has ever been set. And nothing will ever be. It’s done and dusted, and to be quite honest with you guys, I am sure I am the executioner.

You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair!

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were remembering this little speech The Joker gives to Harvey Dent. That is the grey, and I can totally see it as the chaos I am yet to face and fully become acquainted with. I can tell you guys that the only thing I am certain of, is that I don’t have a plan.

And I am waiting to.

Firma

Everything…

It’s been three months
Over hundred days
Since you held my hand
And I miss you in
A thousand ways
Will I ever see you again?

– Everything

It’s been some really hard 3 months. But I am surviving them, and I am getting over them. At least a bit.

Today I went shopping and to the movies with my favorite Pony ever, Itzel. We watched About Time and even though it was easy to cry with the movie, we didn’t. We’re strong ponies. Whatever it was, we (and for some, I) managed to come up with some conclusions:

  • Rachel McAdams is Gorgeous and we love her with every fiber of our hearts. (Do not fret, I am still crushing on Maggie Gyllenhaal, that goes on forever).
  • Rachel McAdams always gets proposed by time travelers while she’s sleeping.
  • We wouldn’t know what to do if we had the possibilities Tim had. I wouldn’t know. But I’d never had kids.
  • It’s a good thing not to have access to internet for a while.
  • And the last one is mainly mine, but today, was the first day in almost 3 months that I’ve felt kind of myself. I am actually hopeful, and sort of happy.

Life has been hard for the last 3 months, and I’ve been shying away, in an attempt to not over feel anything. It’s been really difficult and stressful.

I’ve been obsessive, pathetic, insecure, depressed, over dramatic, and generally insufferable.  I really don’t know how to be sad. Depression, has been a general state of life for the past 5 years of my life, things have changed, mutated and gotten more and more difficult. I don’t even know where I am or how I’m doing right now, but I feel a little more confident.

There are things that will always make me feel sad and I’ve been kind of ok at handling that. Life can be tough, but so am I.  But then there are the last 3 months. I am not ready to discuss whatever happened, I just can’t, but I’ve been talking to humans in the flesh and crying like there’s no tomorrow. For this, I’d like to thank my boss (A), one of my co-workers (R), Itzel, Gelial, Hector, Gunsy and Mafa. With some I’ve talked a lot, with some not so much but the 7 of them helped so much.

About 2 weeks ago, something very intense happened, something that shocked my very core, and something I am yet to decide what to do with. I might decide it this Friday. I might also decide on Tuesday. But as it turns out, something completely different also occurred about 3 days ago. I don’t even know if that will amount to anything at all, but so far, it has changed my perspective on life. I am hopeful, and not only because of the possibilities that are presenting themselves, but because I am actually feeling in control of a lot of things that I felt escaped my hands. I’m going back to myself, and it feels good.

I’ve been saying everywhere that Lights is my current song. You see, I’ve said it before, but I’ve been really reluctant to let my environment get me to over think. I have enough of that on my own. Therefore, the only music I’ve been listening to is Dance music. Blessed be my pony Itzel for introducing Ellie Goulding into my life, cause as it turns out Dance music can contain strong emotions as well (Ain’t it right, Clarity?).

Captura de pantalla 2014-01-06 a las 01.44.43

Lights was composed based on Ellie Goulding’s childhood fear of the darkness. And I do tell myself that I’ll be strong and dreaming when they’re gone… Cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home… And I’ll be home.

I’ll try to be here a little more. I need to catch my breath…

Firma

P.S. I don’t even know if this is worth reading, but yes… I’m getting better, and I just wanted to share.

 

Seriously, wanna know a Little secret?

I actually don’t fully get what Nerdfighteria is…

From what I’ve read it’s kind of about everything, and being awesome and stuff, so, if I think I am a nerdfighter I guess I am a nerdfighter, but that kind of collapses in my head cause I don’t even get it. Please, could a real nerdfighter explain it to me? Please!

That being said, I have to tell you, I prefer Hank over John… I don’t even know why, but just look at the man go:

How could you not love him? But seriously, someone please explain nerdfighteria to me

Firma

A list of things that I appreciate in my life

  1. mosaicaffddc1b0f4e5577294e2cf91584ecfad8c5311bMy boyfriend. Fernando.
  2. My mom.
  3. My two cats.
  4. Shiina Ringo.
  5. The colors pink and grey.
  6. Moles and tattoos.
  7. Yogurth.
  8. Being able to speak.
  9. Purses and their contents.
  10. Learning skills.
  11. Being part of my boyfriend’s life.
  12. Boots.
  13. Underwear.
  14. Apples.
  15. Nelly Furtado.
  16. My friends.
  17. My boyfriend’s cooking skills.
  18. Personal and emotional independence.
  19. Books.
  20. Movies.
  21. Pretty Little Liars.
  22. Skirts
  23. Fourth wave feminism.
  24. Tiny fluffy animals.
  25. Being in love.

Firma

Seriously…

NOTE : After a couple of hours, I am slightly less upset, so I was able to proof-read this, and noticed several grammar and syntax mistakes. I will correct them tomorrow. I feel too tired and detached right now. -Good night

If you’re going to ask my opinion, just to say “well, that’s why I hate talking about things with you” then go to hell.

Seriously, there’s nothing inherently bad about being privileged, in any way. There’s nothing wrong with being a white young male, there’s nothing wrong with money, there’s nothing wrong with being physically able. What is actually wrong is assuming that since you are thhis particular way, and things go hard/smooth for you, that’s everyone’s reality, and your struggles are everyone’s struggles.Seriously, that’s just fucking insensitive.

You can’t go around saying “I understand what it’s like to be a woman, and it’s not that bad, when you’re not one; you can’t say, you understand what it’s like to be a victim of racism, when you’re white; and you can’t say you get ableism when you’re not disabled; you can understand how these things operate, but unless you actually live through them, you have no idea, so the least you can do, is acknowledge your privilege, and respect others.

This afternoon I was watching Tim Gunn’s Guide to style with a male friend, and these was this episode about a girl of color who had self-esteem problems, specially due to a big scar on her leg, a reason that stopped her from wearing short skirts and limited her wardrobe. All over the show you see the girl crying every time she has to tell the story of her scar or even mention her at all. Saying how she felt judged by it, how it made her feel ugly, etc., and then my friend goes and says “Well, I think everyone has a way of coping with things, but I thing she’s over reacting, and it’s all in her head, and I don’t think anyone judges her at all, but she makes it like that, don’t you think?”.

Wow, privileged much?

And no, I don’t think so! I mean, yes, maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad for a reason like that, but that’s me. Girls undergo so much societal pressure, much more than boys do. Girls are all the damn time pressured to look gorgeous, but just the right amount, cause everyone knows gorgeous girls are all bitches; To be skinny, but not too much, cause everyone’ll think you’re anorexic, and who wants a girl with issues; and so on. So, seriously, a white male is going to say a girl is only over reacting, because “no one is judging her at all”.

Then it’s my fault for explaining it! Cause I don’t  know how it is for guys! Yes, I don’t know, but I am sure none has made my friend cry with a comment about his legs, or his arms, or saying “you look so big wearing that”, or being criticized and defined by a single trait, or becoming completely undesirable just cause he’s not wearing make up. And girls live through that.

And before you guys go and say “Well, you must have been really harsh for him to say he hated talking with you about those things, no one wants to feel judged when they express their opinions” let me tell you I wasn’t, I’m giving you the short version of the whole thing, I am not saying I am error-proof, but I try my best to be explanative, and not judgemental; cause I know being judgemental backfires, and people just decide before-hand you’re not worth listening to…

But seriously, I sometimes hate being a feminist, I hate intersectionality, and I hate being aware of these things. All the time I get this feeling  that I am the one who should change, I should just get along with the wave, and continue letting privileged people decide over me…

After that whole conversation, I started crying, and he started apologizing, and I tried to explain things, in the simplest way I could, I started saying why I HAD to become a feminist in order to stop all the guilt and stress of not being adequate, of not being ever enough, or not being a model of womanhood, and a way to cope and understanding that things that have happened to me, are neither my fault, nor fair…

But really, I sometimes hate it… and I wonder how worthy is it really to put all that effort, how worthy is it really to try to explain others how I feel, and why I feel offended by certain behaviors, and why people should be aware.

There’s nothing inherently bad about being privileged, most of the people are privileged, even I am privileged, I am in a good economic position, I am white, and I am physically able (though I am sick, and therefore, subject to ableism, eve though it’s not shown physically), but the least I can do, is acknowledge it, so I don’t affect others with my privilege, and I don’t express opinions, that are plain offensive.

Damn, I am both mad and sad at the same time, and I feel awful… I need to go offline for a few hours

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