Underwater

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately. You know that kind of exhaustion, right? The one you get after big events take place, where it doesn’t really matter if there wasn’t really any physical effort involved, you still feel like drowning.

I don’t even swim, guys…

But once when I was 4 on a trip I was about to drown.

Anyway… A lot of things are happening, mostly work related but they leave me feeling a little too emotional. It doesn’t matter. All I know it’s that it’s too early in the morning and I feel half dead, half alive…

There are things. It’s not all about work, some things are family, but I don’t even feel like discussing that, I feel like ignoring and obliterating that.

All I know is that I feel like I am underwater and since I hadn’t really posted anything here in a while, I took a moment to find the best pictures to represent my feelings, but it’s like when you watch a perfume commercial, and even though it’s eye-catching and it’s meant to give you a vague hint of how it should smell, you never get to actually smell it… and you can’t really get a hold of my feelings.

underwater

I’m going to try to post more, cause every time I come, I sound creepy and disturbing and really sad….

And I promise you guys… I’m not always like this.

Love,

Firma

Habits

I spent my days locked in a haze trying to forget you babe…

I know…

One of the things I promised myself I would try to avoid here was complaining and taking pity on myself… I can be a very negative person, and I struggle every single day with this. I never intended to bring that here, and to this day, I still try not to do it. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can’t.

I constantly let music speak for me. I get obsessed with songs, some depict my feelings, some just depict a thoughts, and at times it gets really hard to figure it out.

I try not to over analyze.

Tove-lo-habits

Last year around this I was very depressed. I was feeling sad and empty. I was drifting away. And even though I am way better  right now, I still have issues to work through… We’ll see..

Firma

Everything…

It’s been three months
Over hundred days
Since you held my hand
And I miss you in
A thousand ways
Will I ever see you again?

– Everything

It’s been some really hard 3 months. But I am surviving them, and I am getting over them. At least a bit.

Today I went shopping and to the movies with my favorite Pony ever, Itzel. We watched About Time and even though it was easy to cry with the movie, we didn’t. We’re strong ponies. Whatever it was, we (and for some, I) managed to come up with some conclusions:

  • Rachel McAdams is Gorgeous and we love her with every fiber of our hearts. (Do not fret, I am still crushing on Maggie Gyllenhaal, that goes on forever).
  • Rachel McAdams always gets proposed by time travelers while she’s sleeping.
  • We wouldn’t know what to do if we had the possibilities Tim had. I wouldn’t know. But I’d never had kids.
  • It’s a good thing not to have access to internet for a while.
  • And the last one is mainly mine, but today, was the first day in almost 3 months that I’ve felt kind of myself. I am actually hopeful, and sort of happy.

Life has been hard for the last 3 months, and I’ve been shying away, in an attempt to not over feel anything. It’s been really difficult and stressful.

I’ve been obsessive, pathetic, insecure, depressed, over dramatic, and generally insufferable.  I really don’t know how to be sad. Depression, has been a general state of life for the past 5 years of my life, things have changed, mutated and gotten more and more difficult. I don’t even know where I am or how I’m doing right now, but I feel a little more confident.

There are things that will always make me feel sad and I’ve been kind of ok at handling that. Life can be tough, but so am I.  But then there are the last 3 months. I am not ready to discuss whatever happened, I just can’t, but I’ve been talking to humans in the flesh and crying like there’s no tomorrow. For this, I’d like to thank my boss (A), one of my co-workers (R), Itzel, Gelial, Hector, Gunsy and Mafa. With some I’ve talked a lot, with some not so much but the 7 of them helped so much.

About 2 weeks ago, something very intense happened, something that shocked my very core, and something I am yet to decide what to do with. I might decide it this Friday. I might also decide on Tuesday. But as it turns out, something completely different also occurred about 3 days ago. I don’t even know if that will amount to anything at all, but so far, it has changed my perspective on life. I am hopeful, and not only because of the possibilities that are presenting themselves, but because I am actually feeling in control of a lot of things that I felt escaped my hands. I’m going back to myself, and it feels good.

I’ve been saying everywhere that Lights is my current song. You see, I’ve said it before, but I’ve been really reluctant to let my environment get me to over think. I have enough of that on my own. Therefore, the only music I’ve been listening to is Dance music. Blessed be my pony Itzel for introducing Ellie Goulding into my life, cause as it turns out Dance music can contain strong emotions as well (Ain’t it right, Clarity?).

Captura de pantalla 2014-01-06 a las 01.44.43

Lights was composed based on Ellie Goulding’s childhood fear of the darkness. And I do tell myself that I’ll be strong and dreaming when they’re gone… Cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home… And I’ll be home.

I’ll try to be here a little more. I need to catch my breath…

Firma

P.S. I don’t even know if this is worth reading, but yes… I’m getting better, and I just wanted to share.

 

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