Cycles

cycle definition

I used to say that if this moment in my life had a name, it would be “Cycle”. Everything was constant. Everything moved in a pattern, everything happened with the same purpose everyday. And yes, it was all divided in cycles. A Cycle for the day. A Cycle at Work. A Cycle for my week. A cycle every month. And I was actually ok with it.

Cycles are fine. Cycles are comfortable.

Everything was predictable to a certain degree. And I like predictable.

I was fine. It was a cycle and after all, all cycles create the illusion of stability.

Lately, things are not as cyclic as they had been for a while. I notice change, and it’s throwing me off-balance. Things are starting to take shape in a way that defies the status quo that’s been ruling my life for the past 3 or so years.

I know that around december I’m supposed to make life changing decision, and I’m thinking I’m ready to make it. And it seems as if things are arranging to force me into it. But I guess it’s fine. I guess it’s finally time to exit the cycle and my life is preparing me for it.

We’ll see what the next name will be.

Firma

Underwater

I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately. You know that kind of exhaustion, right? The one you get after big events take place, where it doesn’t really matter if there wasn’t really any physical effort involved, you still feel like drowning.

I don’t even swim, guys…

But once when I was 4 on a trip I was about to drown.

Anyway… A lot of things are happening, mostly work related but they leave me feeling a little too emotional. It doesn’t matter. All I know it’s that it’s too early in the morning and I feel half dead, half alive…

There are things. It’s not all about work, some things are family, but I don’t even feel like discussing that, I feel like ignoring and obliterating that.

All I know is that I feel like I am underwater and since I hadn’t really posted anything here in a while, I took a moment to find the best pictures to represent my feelings, but it’s like when you watch a perfume commercial, and even though it’s eye-catching and it’s meant to give you a vague hint of how it should smell, you never get to actually smell it… and you can’t really get a hold of my feelings.

underwater

I’m going to try to post more, cause every time I come, I sound creepy and disturbing and really sad….

And I promise you guys… I’m not always like this.

Love,

Firma

So keep your eyes shut

The last couple of days have been… not bad. I won’t say they’ve been good either, they’ve just been. I’m a little numb I guess, thinking and such.

I’m getting used to a lot in life, times frames, people, activities, thoughts; and I guess it’s ok in a way. There isn’t much to say in that sense. Things just are and eventually you just find yourself working your way through them, until they just stop being something and you become them, cause they are part of your life now.

My boyfriend shared this song with me, after I casually mentioned I loved No Diggity (we were watching Pitch Perfect) and I loved it so much  (both the movie and the song).

Anyway, back to life…

I’ve been trying to continue watching series that I’ve left hanging. Like? American Horror Story and Vampire Diaries. Don’t even get me started on Pretty Little Liars, I won’t go there. But I’ve been working on the other two. About AHS I’m on Season two, and all the love I generated in my heart is slowly fading away. I can’t wait for season 3, though. As for TVD I already know how the current season will end, so I am hesitant about continuing, but I will. Soon.

Now, my loves, I am running to have brunch with a friend I’ve been missing a lot.

Sending you love and kisses.

P.S. This was the most pointless entry ever, but just to let you guys know i’m still alive, and I keep writing.

Firma

The wording of the universe

“Life, happens when you’re making plans, flying high and shaking hands; the song will write you, you don’t write it. I didn’t mean to fall in love, this rhythm that created us. I was running, we collided…”

This is the first original post I’ve written in about 3 months, the rest have been either songs, or repost with commentary; and yes, I am aware that this includes a song, but I intend to write more than just that. My life has been eventful to say the least, and there’s a lot I could tell you, but I’m going to be very selective about what I share with you guys, not because I don’t want to share, but because I  want to keep some things for myself. Still, my life remains not at all interesting, guys… But I’m going to update you on all things, pony-wise.

  • My mom got a dog, her name is Chewie as in Chewbacca. She’s adorable and tiny. I’m not really into dogs (You’re talking to a cat lady here) but that baby is adorable to say the least, and I’m literally dying over her. I’ll make sure to post a picture of her very, very soon.

dresser and desk

  • We moved into a new House, Everything is still a little too messy, and every times I try to do a little, there’s more and more and more left to do. I think two more weeks and I’ll be done with this. But let me tell you guys, the new house is looking good.
  • A few weeks ago I got a surgery, I had my gallbladder removed. I am all fine now, but still recovering I guess. I was told I was going to be able to go back into my life in two weeks (True) but I would still feel tired and in pain for a couple of months (Also true) So I am in that second stage now.
  • Next week a friend is coming to visit. He’s not just visiting me, he has a lot of things to do in the city, but it’s going to be super nice to get a chance to see him again.

IG

  • Lately I’ve been so into Instagram, it has become my main social network, in fact, I am almost sure that most of the people who check this place, do so because they find the link on my Insta account, so if for some reason you’re into what I post, check it out and follow me!

Filos

  • You know this already (Because of course you do) I got into the Planner Community, and I really think I’ve found my niche. I think I’ve never felt more at peace and more accepted on a community as I feel in the Planner Community; as with everything, I’ve seen things I don’t entirely relate to (More on that on future posts), but in general, I feel so connected. So thank you, Planner Girls (for some reason, we’re only -or mainly- girls).

yellow

  • I’m saying this, with no intent of getting too deep into it, but I am in a relationship. I am with someone I love deeply, and I care a lot about this person. I don’t really want to tell much, cause… quite honestly, I don’t feel too comfortable; this is ours only. I have the feeling none of us want to really talk about it outside of, well, us. But we’re ok. We’re fine. I’m loving this, guys, he is just amazing. Aren’t you happy for me?

So, that’s it, ponies, I’m going to try to come and do a bit more of real blogging, not just random updates on my life every few months. I swear I have about 10 drafts, but for many reasons, I never got around actually finishing any, mainly because I had things I needed to get out of my system, and now that they’re out, I can go back to actually blogging and you guys can go back to expecting posts.

“With you, I found a new way to live, I see an alternative. Now we started, we can’t stop it. I, I didn’t mean to fall in love, last thing I was thinking of was you and me but, we collided…”

Love, ponies and other lovely things,

Firma

Everything…

It’s been three months
Over hundred days
Since you held my hand
And I miss you in
A thousand ways
Will I ever see you again?

– Everything

It’s been some really hard 3 months. But I am surviving them, and I am getting over them. At least a bit.

Today I went shopping and to the movies with my favorite Pony ever, Itzel. We watched About Time and even though it was easy to cry with the movie, we didn’t. We’re strong ponies. Whatever it was, we (and for some, I) managed to come up with some conclusions:

  • Rachel McAdams is Gorgeous and we love her with every fiber of our hearts. (Do not fret, I am still crushing on Maggie Gyllenhaal, that goes on forever).
  • Rachel McAdams always gets proposed by time travelers while she’s sleeping.
  • We wouldn’t know what to do if we had the possibilities Tim had. I wouldn’t know. But I’d never had kids.
  • It’s a good thing not to have access to internet for a while.
  • And the last one is mainly mine, but today, was the first day in almost 3 months that I’ve felt kind of myself. I am actually hopeful, and sort of happy.

Life has been hard for the last 3 months, and I’ve been shying away, in an attempt to not over feel anything. It’s been really difficult and stressful.

I’ve been obsessive, pathetic, insecure, depressed, over dramatic, and generally insufferable.  I really don’t know how to be sad. Depression, has been a general state of life for the past 5 years of my life, things have changed, mutated and gotten more and more difficult. I don’t even know where I am or how I’m doing right now, but I feel a little more confident.

There are things that will always make me feel sad and I’ve been kind of ok at handling that. Life can be tough, but so am I.  But then there are the last 3 months. I am not ready to discuss whatever happened, I just can’t, but I’ve been talking to humans in the flesh and crying like there’s no tomorrow. For this, I’d like to thank my boss (A), one of my co-workers (R), Itzel, Gelial, Hector, Gunsy and Mafa. With some I’ve talked a lot, with some not so much but the 7 of them helped so much.

About 2 weeks ago, something very intense happened, something that shocked my very core, and something I am yet to decide what to do with. I might decide it this Friday. I might also decide on Tuesday. But as it turns out, something completely different also occurred about 3 days ago. I don’t even know if that will amount to anything at all, but so far, it has changed my perspective on life. I am hopeful, and not only because of the possibilities that are presenting themselves, but because I am actually feeling in control of a lot of things that I felt escaped my hands. I’m going back to myself, and it feels good.

I’ve been saying everywhere that Lights is my current song. You see, I’ve said it before, but I’ve been really reluctant to let my environment get me to over think. I have enough of that on my own. Therefore, the only music I’ve been listening to is Dance music. Blessed be my pony Itzel for introducing Ellie Goulding into my life, cause as it turns out Dance music can contain strong emotions as well (Ain’t it right, Clarity?).

Captura de pantalla 2014-01-06 a las 01.44.43

Lights was composed based on Ellie Goulding’s childhood fear of the darkness. And I do tell myself that I’ll be strong and dreaming when they’re gone… Cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home… And I’ll be home.

I’ll try to be here a little more. I need to catch my breath…

Firma

P.S. I don’t even know if this is worth reading, but yes… I’m getting better, and I just wanted to share.

 

Бɪ+

I hadn’t really talked about it neither here nor IRL, mainly because I don’t want to, but there are other reasons too. So, really, don’t expect me to come up with an explanation right now, I’m just gonna go and deal with this the best way I know how, which actually includes doing a lot of things I know I am not ready to do.

Have great holidays, little ponies. Hope the next year is way better tan 2013… 

Бɪ+

Conundrum…

I know I’ve been away for a very very very long time, I know that even though I tend to spend some time way for long periods, I never leave for as long as I did this time.

But I am going to be honest with you guys, my life has not really been at its peak, hence the title.

I am going through some very difficult things, and even though I am not in terrible shape or anything, I still need to think about stuff and organize my thought. Don’t expect a lot from me in the following months, cause, quite honestly, it’s not really going to happen. But if you’re a good observer, you will notice things, and hopefully tie things together.

Quick update? ok…

Work hard

Most of you know that I am an english teacher (and if you don’t, Why haven’t you read my About page?), The thing is that about 3 months ago, I was offered a good position at my old school, and I decided to take it. Can you guess the place?

 

Work Hard Play Hard

So, yes, as I mentioned, I am not in my best place right now. So, listening to music in my car, has been a bit of a pickle. Thank God for mindless music that keeps me from thinking. Trust me on this one: If you ever need music that is not going to make you delve in your sadness, listen to David Guetta, The ting tings, The Offspring, and Gorillaz…. Until Blu Cantrell comes along, and you notice it was useless, because even though hey songs are mindless, I swear I can relate…

pornland_book_cover

Almost everyone who knows me, knows that I am a feminist, not everyone who knows me, is aware of the fact that I am also very interested in sexuality. So, about  2 months ago, I watched an online talk by Gail Dines, about pornography and feminism, and I was hooked. I found out Gail Dines wrote about called Pornland: How Porn has hijacked our sexuality, and it has been my night reading every day. It can get a little intense, but it’s pretty interesting.

I know I have other news, but still, I need some time to figure things out… I’ll be back soon… Hopefully…

Also, NaNoWriMo starts this week!!!!!!

Firma

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