A tale of her.

This is a museum of the woman I used to be. A tale of her.

Some days, I really feel like I want to stop using this place to speak, because I speak, I am constantly vocal, but I don’t need to do it here.

Remember a few years ago, when this place used to say “I do speak a lot” by means of pictures or plain words written all over? I still do. I speak a lot, but my voice is different. I am different.

I think it’s been 4 years since Ringo-ish started dying and I’ve been every day more and more comfortable with the idea of letting it go. Maybe you all, (whomever is reading this) saw it coming before I did, but it’s not as if I was unaware of it. I am just not the same anymore.

I started this blog as a collection of memories I needed to keep from the limitations of my mere humanity.

“Age just reveals the facts that always were. Experience uncovers the you that always was.”

I think that’s a quote from Welcome to Nightvale, and a quite proper one for that matter. i’ve always been this.

A couple of months ago I was writing on my journal about an epiphany I’ve had. The last 6 years have been hard and great. I’ve been through hell only to understand the person I am, to accept the feelings and complexities I have towards myself, and I am now able to look back and feel fine about it all.

I feel like a better human, in a deeply rooted sense of self, and through that, I also feel like a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better *role of action*. Any action.

I am in love, deeply and intensely in love, and I am happy about a lot of things in my life, as well as unhappy about a myriad of nuisances.

And I feel this place as foreign and old.

I want to continue writing, and I constantly think of things to say and ideas to share, but I might not do it here anymore. If I am correct, I own ThePonicorn.com and I might continue doing it there, and I am not even sure of when that’s going to happen, but I am ok.

This place, will remain the museum and the testament that it is. It won’t go anywhere, if you ever feel curious.

But I will. I’ll go somewhere.

I started this place about 9 years ago thinking “keep it always positive” and  I think for the most I’ve done that, I’ve talked about my depression in the past years with and upbeat attitude, I’ve talked about me being sad, knowing well that, within time, I’ll be better.

And i’ve been better.

I’ve been better for a while.

Everything…

It’s been three months
Over hundred days
Since you held my hand
And I miss you in
A thousand ways
Will I ever see you again?

– Everything

It’s been some really hard 3 months. But I am surviving them, and I am getting over them. At least a bit.

Today I went shopping and to the movies with my favorite Pony ever, Itzel. We watched About Time and even though it was easy to cry with the movie, we didn’t. We’re strong ponies. Whatever it was, we (and for some, I) managed to come up with some conclusions:

  • Rachel McAdams is Gorgeous and we love her with every fiber of our hearts. (Do not fret, I am still crushing on Maggie Gyllenhaal, that goes on forever).
  • Rachel McAdams always gets proposed by time travelers while she’s sleeping.
  • We wouldn’t know what to do if we had the possibilities Tim had. I wouldn’t know. But I’d never had kids.
  • It’s a good thing not to have access to internet for a while.
  • And the last one is mainly mine, but today, was the first day in almost 3 months that I’ve felt kind of myself. I am actually hopeful, and sort of happy.

Life has been hard for the last 3 months, and I’ve been shying away, in an attempt to not over feel anything. It’s been really difficult and stressful.

I’ve been obsessive, pathetic, insecure, depressed, over dramatic, and generally insufferable.  I really don’t know how to be sad. Depression, has been a general state of life for the past 5 years of my life, things have changed, mutated and gotten more and more difficult. I don’t even know where I am or how I’m doing right now, but I feel a little more confident.

There are things that will always make me feel sad and I’ve been kind of ok at handling that. Life can be tough, but so am I.  But then there are the last 3 months. I am not ready to discuss whatever happened, I just can’t, but I’ve been talking to humans in the flesh and crying like there’s no tomorrow. For this, I’d like to thank my boss (A), one of my co-workers (R), Itzel, Gelial, Hector, Gunsy and Mafa. With some I’ve talked a lot, with some not so much but the 7 of them helped so much.

About 2 weeks ago, something very intense happened, something that shocked my very core, and something I am yet to decide what to do with. I might decide it this Friday. I might also decide on Tuesday. But as it turns out, something completely different also occurred about 3 days ago. I don’t even know if that will amount to anything at all, but so far, it has changed my perspective on life. I am hopeful, and not only because of the possibilities that are presenting themselves, but because I am actually feeling in control of a lot of things that I felt escaped my hands. I’m going back to myself, and it feels good.

I’ve been saying everywhere that Lights is my current song. You see, I’ve said it before, but I’ve been really reluctant to let my environment get me to over think. I have enough of that on my own. Therefore, the only music I’ve been listening to is Dance music. Blessed be my pony Itzel for introducing Ellie Goulding into my life, cause as it turns out Dance music can contain strong emotions as well (Ain’t it right, Clarity?).

Captura de pantalla 2014-01-06 a las 01.44.43

Lights was composed based on Ellie Goulding’s childhood fear of the darkness. And I do tell myself that I’ll be strong and dreaming when they’re gone… Cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home… And I’ll be home.

I’ll try to be here a little more. I need to catch my breath…

Firma

P.S. I don’t even know if this is worth reading, but yes… I’m getting better, and I just wanted to share.

 

3

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So… Today it’s my 3rd anniversary with my boyfriend. The last few weeks we’ve been spending so much time together, getting along and all that, and this week the chances of us meeting were going to be very slim, and since our anniversary fell on Saturday, we didn’t really know what to do to celebrate.

But yesterday the boy called me and asked if he could visit here (during the weekends I visit my mom). I was so thrilled!

He just left, and even though there were only about 2 hours that we spent together, it was so great.

There isn’t much to say, you guys, but I just wanted to share how happy I am, how full of love I feel right now. This is the longest relationship I’ve been to and by far, the most fulfilling. I love it. I love him.

Happy anniversary, boyfriend, happy anniversary!

Also, please excuse the lack of format in this, I am posting through my iPad.

Love,

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How to kiss the most amazing man (in 7 easy steps).

  1. Wait for him to knock on the door.
  2. Once he’s out, open the door.
  3. Let him in, cause the cats may go out if you leave the door open for too long.
  4. Say “Hi” with the most honest and clear happiness.
  5. Hug the boy.
  6. Kiss him for long, long, long, and let your hands run through his super cute long hair.
  7. Let him go and feel haaaappy cause he just arrived…

(I love you to no end)

And the 13 ghosts

13 things I am deeply thankful for?

  1. My two awesome cats who never fail to make me feel like a queen with their hugs and kisses (hugs from Katamari, kisses from Cilantro).
  2. My best friends who are always around when I feel sad regardless of them knowing or not. I love them to pieces.
  3. My momsy, who is crazy but pretty dandy.
  4. Pretty Little Liars, for getting better and better after each episode, keeping me wondering what the hell is going to happen next, and who the hell is A.
  5. The amazing people who trust me with their work projects.
  6. Really long, intense and deep kisses right before leaving the house.
  7. My best girlfriend in the world, who makes me realize I am thankful of people taking time to be considerate, even if being considerate means saying they won’t have time to meet. I love her. I love you.
  8. Trying to get very drunk with my friends, drinking a lot, but not feeling a damn thing, just talking about crazy experiences and winding up with a silly Disney-like doodle on my forehead.
  9. Amazing girls who are willing to welcome me in their bedrooms to chit-chat, gossip and talk about silly magazines and old cartoons while looking for a Biker Mice from Mars picture.
  10. Reconnecting with one of my best friends, thanks to WhatsApp.
  11. A silly and adorable argument about which unicorn figure do I want out of three, only to find out that they are a set and I am getting the three of them anyway.
  12. Two fantastic cats who also happen to be my children, finding out one feels very scared of me, and the other just wants to be hugged and carried in arms pretty much all the time.
  13. Feeling utterly in love with my boyfriend. I love you so much, and today it was wonderful. All the things we did, all the things we went through, mean the world to me. From us walking with my friends, to the mirror and your house, it’s been one of the most perfect days I’ve had in forever. I love you, amazing boy.

BTW, I may not use my old signature anymore… Who knows?

– K

How ok…?

[NOTE: I’m reposting this, cause I find it relevant in my life again…]

How ok are you at the thought of your family reading your websites or blogs?

Oh, families!

I know most of my readers actually have blogs, webzines, online portfolios, etc. So I was wondering: How ok are with the idea of your family searching through all of this? I am asking you this because I think my mom may be reading this website, and I am a bit unsure about how should I feel.

Thinking about my mother coming here reading what I write, even though it’s all mega positive, gives me the skeevies. I don’t know, I’m just not comfortable with the idea. And I guess, this is my way of asking her not to do it, without actually having to go tell her, in case she’s actually doing it.

This is not the most private place I own, there’s actually another one that I call ‘The venting blog’ in which I post quite often about more mundane things but is also restricted to only 6 specific visitors, as you know I try to keep this place as positive and optimistic as possible. But still, it is indeed a place in which I often open my heart, I talk about things I don’t mind sharing, like the things I love, how happy I am with my friends, or my boyfriend, but that is just the deal: I feel comfortable about talking about this things in general, but I am not sure about how comfortable I feel about sharing some of this with my family. Specially when it comes to my personal relationships.

In real life I tend to be a pretty private person, and even though I am an adult, I keep a lot to myself, specially when it comes to my family. My mom, tends to over think everything and she starts immediately tying irrational knots, and personally I hate to answer unnecessary and insane questions, so, I prefer not to talk about my relationships unless I feel extra-confident with them and specially when I feel I can handle the questions that will follow. I right now feel extra-comfortable with my boyfriend, but still, I don’t feel ready to deal with all the things that will come out when I decide to tell my mom I am dating someone.

I don’t know, I guess I just feel I have the right to decide when to inform my family about my decisions and stuff, also, I’ve always said there are some things that our parents (EVERYONE’s parents) should never know about their kids, some things are just private and should remain like that, that’s cool, then again it’s all about what we feel comfortable sharing and whom we feel comfortable sharing it with. Anyway.

I think this is more of a monologue, but still I ask you: How comfortable do you feel about your family checking on your online activities? How about googling you either with your name or nickname? I mean, I know online blogs aren’t really private, but still, how private and personal can you consider your blog? Is it still something sort of ‘private’ even though it is a public forum (like this)? I consider it to be, and I don’t mean it, to an extent in which I can decide who will read it or not, but still, when it comes to family, I think there are limits that one would expect, would be respected, but when they’re not, how do you deal with it?

I remember a few years ago, Gelial once told me (not directly but still) that Freedom of speech was nothing but a sweet utopia, and even though he meant something different, I wonder how do you handle your Freedom of speech on situations like this? Is this something that could actually prevent you from speaking your mind, when after all, it becomes evident that you’re never really anonymous? I am unsure whether I should cringe or swoon at the complexity of our modernity.

Honestly, I can’t conceive the idea of a family getting together for dinner while discussing their online privacy etiquette. How avant-garde would that be! It gives me a lot to think about.

Give me your thoughts, ponies.

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